For as long as I can remember I’ve been pushing myself around. I’ve had my own inner bully who makes me do things I *ought* to do… To sit at my desk writing well beyond the completion of a creative arc. To run that last mile when my hamstrings are overworked. To finish reading a book I’m no longer enjoying. And so on. You get the picture.
But these past few months something has shifted. I’ve been working up to giving that inner bully the pink slip. But I’ve had to find a whole new way of going about things. Because without a new approach, that sneaky little bastard would just slide right on in there and keep running the show. Push push push.
I’ve been playing with what it might be like to do everything from a state of relaxation. To not save relaxation as a reward at the end of the day, when (if) all the stuff is done.
It’s been a two-steps-forward-one-step-back exploration.
One thing I’ve noticed is that this shift is requiring a deeper trust in my Being. A trust in the authentic impulses that rarely come with logical, linear reasoning.
In this time I’ve backed off of trail running because that is one place I haven’t trusted my Being enough yet to go without the bully getting involved. And then this happened today…
I went out for a hike, fully flowing in a state of relaxation. I was walking along, enjoying the fresh air and late afternoon sun when, without any forethought my feet moved into a light jog. I was so surprised. And I just let it keep happening. With lightness — not the old bearing down I had been so used to. I just let the relaxed running happen. It was like that moment when you’re riding a bike on your own for the very first time. “Look at me, I’m doing it, I’m running in a state of relaxation!” Maybe this sounds weird. But to me it was like stepping into a whole new world, a higher octave of experience. I let myself run until my body naturally decided to slow down and then walked the rest of the way. No timing myself, no measuring the mileage. Just relaxing and enjoying.
Towards the end of my walk I visited this old tree friend and told her all about what I had just experienced. She nodded and smiled.