I woke up in a heaping pile of cranky this morning. I mean, super duper cranky. “Old me” cranky. This kind of cranky, I haven’t felt in years. I was a ticking time bomb. A blame machine roving around the house. Ready to fire blame at anything in my path.
There was chocolate on the white linen couch, so I blamed our Saturday guests for not respecting our home. David kept clearing his throat, so I blamed him for disturbing my peace. Moxie kept following me around, lobbying hard for a morning walk, so I blamed her for getting underfoot.
Fortunately, today, I wasn’t taking any of the blame personally. I didn’t actually BELIEVE the blame.
Which is, by the way, not what “old me” would have done. “Old me” would have taken off on the blame train and created a day full of unhappy experiences for my old self and others. Stewing on this, perseverating on that. Sending my blame out into the world in my thoughts and interactions.
Fortunately, today, I knew that in my grounded and connected state—a space I reliably cultivate these days—chocolate on the couch is just chocolate and that the couch is probably ripe for a good cleaning anyway, and David clearing his throat is just what it is, and Moxie is being her usual enthusiastic self.
I mentioned to David, “Wow, I am super cranky. Like, old me cranky. I’m blaming everything around me for how bad I’m feeling. There’s chocolate on the couch and I want to blame our guests.” I added, with amusement, “I’m even blaming you for clearing your throat!”
David, grinning, replied “I sensed something was up,” and proceeded to give me wide berth.
I sat to meditate to ground and clear, and the understanding came:
- I was actually in the muck before I went off on a blame bender. My blame was not the cause of how I was feeling, but rather an unconscious effort to validate what I had already been feeling before. There was something else going on with me — some energy present in my field that was the source of my muck. Blame was simply a byproduct of something else happening within me.
- Blame is a desperate act of trying to feel better by getting the yuck energy out of my space (and, often, into someone else’s). Energy doesn’t actually work like that, but that’s the way our unconscious impulses work through projection.
- A lot of us get distracted by the drama that’s created at the level of blame. All of the commotion around who’s to blame, who’s right, who was wronged, who owes who, etc. etc. — it can consume people, families, communities, and countries for years, lifetimes even, without ever recognizing that blame is simply a distraction from what’s actually going on below the surface, where the true opportunity lies.
- The real opportunity, when you notice yourself blaming, no matter the circumstances, is to avoid the temptation to believe it or get swept up in it, and to look beneath it to uncover the source. And, in my experience, it almost always leads back to some version of “I’m not lovable” or “I’m not enough.”
- There is nobody but me who has the power (and responsibility) to heal the lie in my space that tells me I’m not lovable or I’m not enough.
I sat in meditation clearing the lie of unlovability and noticed how all of the blame that had consumed me earlier in the day simply evaporated from my space without leaving any residue.
What opened next was a window into experiences in relationships where I’ve been held to blame, allowing me to appreciate that others’ blame of me is rooted in their experience of themselves as fundamentally unlovable.
It also reminded me of my own “old me” creations, when David and I were together years ago. In our relationship, before we had our year of separation (ie, transformation), I could easily get caught up in this way of interacting. I had my usual list of complaints, things I blamed him for, like not being communicative enough, not being interested in my own interests, not creating more time together.
And with today’s new way of seeing — that the yuck feeling comes before the impulse to blame — I saw clearly how I had been feeling about myself before these complaints surfaced. The truth was, I was feeling unlovable and not enough within myself, and these complaints happened to be the ways I was validating my belief and experience of unlovability.
Back then, I devoted significant time and energy trying to get David to address my complaints, thinking that I would feel better when he changed. And maybe, every once in a while, I’d feel just a skosh better, but it wouldn’t last.
It wasn’t until I went under the surface, and addressed what was really going on within me, that I was able to co-create a relationship of generous love, freedom and joy.
If this post struck a cord with you, you might be interested in an online course I’ll be teaching beginning March 5. It’s called Whole Hearts in Love and it’s all about creating love from the wholeness of your own heart. I created this 4-week e-course from my own experience, through the transformation of my marriage, and my work with many others. Whether you’re in relationship now or you want to create a relationship, this course gives you the perspective and tools to ground in your own wholeness so you can create love from the infinite source of love that is you.